If I Only Had A Heart…
Hey hotties. Apparently, we are still living in the ice age, and global warming might skid us back into another mini-ice age. I am no meteorologist, but I do have a fashion tip for the cold days.
How to look good in the ice age
1. Eat more, since it’s gonna be cold, it’s only sensible to store some blabber
2. Grow more hair for insulation
3. Steal other animals’ skin and hair
4. UGG boots may finally be fashionably acceptable
5. Too bad that the mammoths are extinct, or else we could wear them like a down jacket
6. Alternatively, we can just find an excuse to make a mammoth costume
This tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.
Oh come all ye faithful! As a man, I find it very hard to be faithful and remain chaste. Of course, that only applies if I am in relationship - but still, the wandering eyes, the wandering hands, the wandering dick… anyway. Being faithful is good, if you are not in an open relationship, it eliminates a lot of unneeded dramas. It also lessens the chance of getting STD.
How to be loyal to your lover
1. Go shopping with your partner
2. Go to a specialist shop
3. Buy a chastity belt
4. Kindly ask your partner to apply it on you
5. Lock the belt
6. Let your partner keep the key
7. Retrain from pornographic materials, naughty thoughts, and the beaches
8. Look forward to your partner returning home to release you
9. Lock your partner’s private in a chastity belt too
10. Avoid dating lock smiths
For safety’s sake, always have a copy of the key
For lovers with a notorious reputation, please also apply handcuffs on them. The ones with feathers, of course.
This faithful tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.
What’s up villains! As superheroes, we always need to define who’s wearing the trousers, and who’s … not. We can’t all be the main guy, but we can always hope for a spin-off, cheers to Frasier.
How to side-kick
1. Pair up with a superhero
2. Pick a costume
/ I am going red
3. Think of an appropriate theme for your costume
4. Get an ass-kicking alias
/ so, this is team ‘Lord Gardener & the Red Herring’
5. Develop a mutant/super power
/ I divert attention away from anything significant by slapping my enemies with my red herring; Lord Gardener will suffocate his enemies with pollen and petals in the form of fart, causing them to choke in a coughing fit with hay fever
6. Develop a secondary super power
/ the Red Herring can identify and utilise any items from Ikea, especially jars of herring; Lord Gardener is excellent in identifying the plants in Latin scientific names, and is very skilled in gardening
7. Develop a tertiary power
/ We are both very good at washing dishes
8. Fight with crime lords and bad people, but do not upstage the main guy
/ The Red Herring always distracts, and is significantly shorter than Lord Gardener, and needs to take tea every 45 minutes
9. When your team has been kicking lots of asses, there will be other superheroes, more side-kicks, and nastier enemies
/ Potential spin-offs!
10. Form a league with other super heroes and their side-kicks
/ We are in “The Hard Core Of Household Chores”
11. Form an ambiguous “friendship” with your main hero, influencing each other’s behaviour
/ It’s rumoured that Lord Gardener fertilises soil with dead herrings, and many speculate that the Red Herring does not press wild flowers
12. When a side-kcik gets bored, it’s advised that he’d follow the dark side or form a spin-off with other side-kicks
/ The Red Herring will desert Lord Gardener and join the Preservative Perverse, an evil chemist, in the later series
Do not reveal identity
Work out and wear tights
Always moisturise your hands if you wear gloves
This awesomely powerful tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.
Dear gigolo and kiss-o-grams. I don’t know about you, I get stressed easily. When I get all riled up, and I can’t stand still, and I sit comfortably. It’s usually time to check my underpants. My knickers will always end up being in a twister. And Oh. Real men wear G-Strings.
How to check if you are all riled up
1. Stand up
2. Take off your trousers/skirt/shorts/overall/space suit
3. Take off your knickers
4. If you are riled up, your pants will be in a twister
5. If you are really riled up, your pants will be in several twisters
6. Also check if you have shat yourself from the stress
7. If you are wearing boxers, you have been doing it wrong
8. Buy a pair of G-Strings if you are wearing boxer shorts
9. Ask your loved one to buy you a pair of G-Strings if you are in a relationship
10. Sexy little numbers that do not cover anything are preferable
11. Do not get too excited in case you piss yourself
12. Work out your butt and show off your glutus maximus
13. If your knickers are in a twister, de-clench your stress
14. Unload and relax your muscles
15. Put your straightened G-Strings back on
16. Walk normally
This scatological tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.
Hi cubs. A friend of mine sent me an email about obtainable love. He seems to be looking in the wrong places, but I will say it’s stupid. You just need to go on hunting more (fishing if you like ponds). Well… I quite like bear cubs, so I will trap them with salmons and honey.
How to ensnare a lover
1. Set a target group
2. Move over to regions near the habitat of your targets
3. Collect data on the likes and dislikes of your prey
4. Bring their favourite food
5. Find out what their favourite hang-out
6. Visit their favourite hang-out
7. Bring a trap with you
8. Set up the trap around you
9. Smear yourself with their favourite food
11. Trap your victim when he/she approach
12. Have your filthy ways with your prey
13. Engage your victim in a cage
14. Let them suffer from Stockholm Syndrome
15. You will find yourself a brilliant empathic pet-lover
Do not get caught
Fight off competition
Bring good salmons
This cruel tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.
Ave, peeps. We are all doomed to die. Except the Gods, all living things are doomed to die. In order to live forever, we need to rise to the rank of Gods and cease their powers. Usurp them, and become Gods ourselves.
How to be immortal
1. Choose a specific God to usurp according to your religion
2. I am not religions, but I will demonstrate how to overthrow Hades, the Greek God of the Dead
3. Give offering to Hades
4. Be blessed by other Deities, and be purified for the sins you will commit
5. Descend into the Underworld
6. Flatter Hades and his consort
7. Steal his Helm of Invisibility
8. Steal his consort
9. Bind Hades
10. Depose him
11. Rape if you like…
12. Take his throne and enjoy his supper of ambrosia and nectar
13. Rule over the dead, as you are now a new God
Do not confuse Helm of Invisibility with Harry Potter’s Cloak of Invisibility - Or you will end up in a different world.
This audacious tutorial is brought to you by Linus & The Feel Good Factory.